Weather outside

When it looks as if I’ve made up my mind finally to stay at home for the evening, when I have put on my house jacket and sat down after what I call supper with candle light.I got bored with the game that usually precedes my going to bed, the weather outside is unpleasant so that staying indoors seems natural, and when I have already been sitting quietly at the table for so long, the stairs are in darkness and the front door locked and in spite of all that I have started up in a sudden fit of restlessness, changed my jacket, abruptly dressed myself for the street, explained that you must go out and with a few blunt words of leave-taking actually gone out, banging the ‘flat’ door more or less hastily according to the amount of displeasure.I think I have left behind so I cut off the general discussion of my departure, and when I find myself once more in the street with limbs swinging extra freely in answer to the unexpected liberty I have procured for them, I often find myself at work. March Tuesday 23rd 1911 I have actually found myself working below low-class workers. I have given up dancing, and have become a ‘women of the town’ an ‘old tart’ some people call it. I have also changed my name, I don’t want to be Eva, and she is better than this.I don’t know why I lower myself to such standards and entirely relinquish myself. I am capable of acquiring a bound position.

I am just too idle to put myself about and waste time (I say waste time, not because I have better things to do, simply because I need the money from my work) you need effort for chasing people, being nice to those who end up refusing you as a person then give you no hope. I don’t blame other people for me not persuading myself to get a job, even an interview. I suppose I do see it as persuading I need, I want somebody behind me telling me that I am a good person and I am capable of a secure job. I just don’t have that ‘somebody’ around me to express that.

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Though it’s almost as if I have no hope in myself. I need to be motivated. March Wednesday 24th 1911 I’m depressed and I hate work, if that’s what you can call it.

I’m really not looking forward to tomorrow, but nothing takes the past away like the future. March Saturday 27th 1911 I had the most exciting night last night! I was at work as usual (which is not the most exciting part! ) and fat carcass old Joe. M was harassing me like he would with anything wearing a skirt. Anyway I was clearly not after Joe’s attention so this lovely chap called Gerald (I love that name) came over to the corner where (disgusting) Joe and I were and told him that he was needed at the reception!He told him he had a call or something to get him away from me. Well after Joe had left he said to me ‘you’d better let me take you out of here’ I melted I was so glad that somebody actually cared for me as to get me out of that dump! We went along to the County Hotel and had a few drinks; I had never been there. We had the most wonderful conversation, he is so friendly. I told him about me and he told me a little about himself. I told him my name was Daisy, I enjoyed being Daisy last night.

Now I know that I can talk to people and not be so depressed all the time. I am proud of Daisy now; she has got me a very interesting and meaning friend.We ended the night on extremely good terms and arranged to meet again tomorrow, I cannot wait I am so excited! March Sunday 28th 1911 Today I am going to meet Gerald again and I really looking forward to it.

I will tell you about it when I get in! This man is a godsend he is my angel! He has given me a key to an extremely lovely flat its amazing I cannot describe how I feel, I’m ecstatic. Morgan Terrace is its name. They are lovely, beautiful, radiant, exquisite.

I am so happy. I think that this diary is a miracle book because everything I ask for it grants me. It also gives me little extras that I am also extremely grateful for. Gerald has given me money so I can look after myself.I am quite sure that Gerald is not going to ask for anything in return because he knows that I cannot give it to him, but if I could I would give him the world for all this help. I really don’t want to go back to the terrace bar now, I think that I have enough confidence to look for a work placement now with all Gerald’s help.

September Saturday 2nd 1911 Gerald is going away for this week he leaves on Monday I have the feeling he will break off our affair because we have not spoken that much recently. He is the most important person in my life, nobody has ever cared for me like he does I have really appreciated it whilst it lasted but I will be extremely sad when he tells me it is over. I don’t think, in fact I know he doesn’t feel about me the way I feel about him.I have really enjoyed these months of my life.

Gerald has given me such strength and hope in myself and loved me for who I am. I didn’t have to do anything for him like in the birling factory. I didn’t have to pretend, and lie to his face like I would have to in Milwards if somebody liked a dress I hated. I have always been myself around him and I am ever so grateful for him appreciating what I had to give which was minimal. September Monday 4th 1911 I was right, as much as I didn’t want it to happen I knew it would happen. Gerald has left.

Gerald has left me without a home, although through no fault of his own. He gave me money additionally to look after myself.I wish I could just grant people money for help. I can think of plenty of people I’ve met, primarily at the Palace Bar who I would take great pleasure in giving money to. Some of them are less fortunate then me.

I think I should leave Brumley, for as long as it takes me to comprehend what I want to do with life, if that is what it is anymore. I didn’t go into detail about leaving, with Gerald I want him to be left with as little memories of me as possible. I saved some money during the summer so I have that plus the money that Gerald gave me.

I always dreamed that he could have been the man on my arm walking down the street. Like I said before it’s all a fantasy.September Thursday 7th 1911 For two days I have noticed, whenever I choose to an inner coolness and indifference. Yesterday evening during my walk, every little street sound, every eye turned towards me, every picture in a showcase was more important to me. I really have to leave brumley. I’m going to pack what I call my possessions and leave immediately.

I have nothing here to stay for. November Monday 14th 1911 For the following reasons I have not written in here for so long: I went to start a new life in a seaside resort but did not have the confidence to confer with anybody so I had a miserable few months by myself because I did not communicate with any one.